Emergencies Reimagined
I’ve had this on my hard drive for ages … think it’s hilarious … want to pass it along, courtesy of this site.
How To Deal With Emergencies
The U.S. government has a website, http://www.ready.gov. It’s another attempt at scare-mongering in the style of the old “duck and cover” advice after WWII. The fun thing is that these pictures are so ambiguous they could mean anything. Here are a few interpretations:
 | If you have set yourself on fire, do not run. |
 | If you spot terrorism, blow your anti-terrorism whistle. If you are Vin Diesel, yell really loud. |
 | If you spot a terrorist arrow, pin it against the wall with your shoulder. |
 | If you are sprayed with an unknown substance, stand and think about it instead of seeing a doctor. |
 | Use your flashlight to lift the walls right off of you! |
 | The proper way to eliminate smallpox is to wash with soap, water and at least one (1) armless hand. |
 | Michael Jackson is a terrorist. If you spot this smooth criminal with dead, dead eyes, run the hell away. |
 | Hurricanes, dead fish, and the biohazard symbol have a lot in common. Think about it. |
 | Be on the lookout for terrorists with pinkeye and leprosy. Also, they tend to rub their hands together manically. |
 | If a door is closed, karate chop it open. |
 | If your building collapses, give yourself a blowjob while waiting to be rescued. |
 | Try to absorb as much of the radiation as possible with your groin region. After 5 minutes and 12 seconds, however, you may become sterile. |
 | After exposure to radiation it is important to consider that you may have mutated to gigantic dimensions; watch your head. |
 | If you've become a radiation mutant with a deformed hand, remember to close the window. No one wants to see that crap. |
 | If you hear the Backstreet Boys, Michael Bolton or Yanni on the radio, cower in the corner or run like hell. |
 | If your lungs and stomach start talking, stand with your arms akimbo until they stop. |
 | If you are trapped under falling debris, conserve oxygen by not farting. |
 | If you lose a contact lens during a chemical attack, do not stop to look for it. |
 | Do not drive a station wagon if a power pole is protruding from the hood. |
 | A one-inch thick piece of plywood should be sufficient protection against radiation. |
 | Always remember to carry food with you during a terrorist attack. At least you'll be able to enjoy a nice coke and apple before you die. |
Emergencies Reimagined by Jay Mitchell is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivatives 4.0 International License.
